Does “What Do You Do?” feel more like “What’s Your Value?”
When most people think of identity theft, it is usually in connection with the stealing of one’s personal information (e.g., social security number, credit card number, passport). But a recent conversation with a friend about what is usually an innocent question brought to mind a different kind of identity theft, one that is perhaps even more insidious.
I’m sure you are familiar with this scenario: You’re at a non-professional social gathering, you meet someone new, and after the initial pleasantries, you are asked, “So, what do you do?” How do you react to this question? Do you embrace or despise it? Is your reaction dependent upon whether you’re working; if you love the work you do; or, if you’re earning what you want to earn?
I ask this question all the time because I am genuinely interested in discovering what makes people tick, and what one does and why are usually revelatory in this regard. For a lot of people, their vocation is usually a platform for self-expression. However, when a friend was telling me about an “aha” moment she had during her European vacation this summer, I realized “What do you do?” can at times feel as if the questioner is sizing you up, drawing conclusions that may or may not have anything to do with whom you deem yourself to be.
While in Italy and Spain, my friend noticed how infrequently people talked about work when they were not at work. And to her amazement, no one ever asked her what she did for a living or seemed to be defined by the status their job did or did not imply. She found all of this refreshing — she felt people were connecting with her because of who she is and not what she does.
As we talked, I couldn’t help but think about how entwined work and identity* are (*how you define yourself as well as how others see you). I also couldn’t help but wonder: Does, “So, what do you do?” really feel more like, “So, what’s your value?”
If we are honest, elements of our identity, status and sense of self-worth are wrapped into what we do to some degree (whether we talk about it or not). With that said, it would be wise to remember, especially in light of our “new” employment landscape, that jobs (or clients) come and go; incomes ebb and flow; and assets increase and decrease in value. If you attach who you are so closely with temporal things, such as these, you’re in for an unpleasant wake-up call and an unnecessary emotional roller-coaster ride.
What you do often is an aspect of who you are, but it is not who you are. This is an important reminder for anyone who is among the millions currently un/under-employed, who may be one day in the future, or who is enduring an unsatisfying job until they can pursue their passion.
What makes this article even more timely is that we are living in a time when many people are taking on work assignments that are far from their passions, interests and what they might choose to do. It makes it even more critical that we move past this outdated model of “sizing up” an individual based on their profession.
Someone described it once that when we are little – all you need to be able tell someone is how old you are. And you have worth and value.
Yet as we age we use all of these false notions to create the appearance of worth and value.
No, you have worth and value – because of who you are…not what you do.
Oh, this post makes me so happy, Jacquette. When I first became a coach, I felt like I had one foot in my old identity and one foot in my new one. Getting asked this question–again and again– was like having a staple gun go crazy on my limbs. Ever since I’ve tried to be resolute in not asking this question in social situations and instead going for openers like: “Tell me about yourself” so that person can choose for her or himself what parts of identity to share.
Excellent post! Also, Malla, I love the contrast to what we’re asked as a child, and Alexia, I agree that the opener, “Tell me about yourself” provides the individual a much broader palette from which to draw from.
Jacquette – thank you for sharing your friend’s experiences in Italy and Spain. It’s interesting that ‘What do you do?’ is typically the first question of choice for us, here, in the U.S., though in other cultures the most prominent question may be quite different. I’m not sure what it is in Italy or Spain, though for example, in Israel, the question asked most is, “What did you do in the Army?” (since all citizens are required to serve) and in India, the prominent query is, “Are you married?”
I loved your article. I find that question so annoying, and I suppose it’s because I am not proud of what I do, and I think people do judge me. On the other hand when I was working for a company with a lot more prestige, I was very proud of what I did, and it WAS my identity. But when I stopped working there, I went through a major identity crisis. I felt so worthless, and I’ve found myself in the past when asked what I do, answering the question with the current answer and adding what I USED to do. How ridiculous is that? Great food for thought…I really enjoy reading your writings.
Thank you, Anonymous. And thank you for sharing your experience…it really resonated with me. I went through a major identity crisis when my business hit a hard bump in the road. While what I did remained the same, what I had and how I felt about what I had changed. My singular definition of success was “gone,” ushering in a period of self-reflection and inner-work that has led to a new, multi-layered definition. It was a humbling experience!